Our computer science department is currently in the process of choosing a new department head. Since we're academics, no decision can be simple so the faculty has come up with a complex procedure that may involve a committee, campaigning, multiple rounds of voting, a dance-off, and a conclave.
One of the steps is for every professor to write an essay saying what they think should be done to improve the department. Below is mine:
Dear Colleagues,
After careful analysis of the academic landscape, I am convinced the most important thing for Carnegie Mellon University is to build its social network. I believe our research, students and faculty are of the highest caliber, but I believe our social network lacks high-powered and famous individuals. Having such people associated with us will make our university more well-known and will grow our endowment. I propose a simple three-step plan to improve our connections:
1. Spend one year's worth of operating budget to buy a house in the Hamptons, where rich and influential people have homes. This one would do.
2. Force Ryan O'Donnell, Anupam Gupta, and Luis von Ahn to spend their summers there.
3. With their charm, these three professors would befriend all their high-powered neighbors and convince them that Carnegie Mellon is awesome.
I hope the next department head has the vision and audacity to carry out this fool-proof plan.
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you should actually submit this.
ReplyDeleteI think you should have to win a dance-off to prove that you have the requisite charm to be one of the three summer denizens in the Hamptons. Luis, I'm sure you're up to the challenge.
ReplyDeleteYeah I definitely think that building our social network should be one of our top priorities.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA WIN.
ReplyDeleteSo can I come to your parties? My family has a house in the Hamptons (though nothing like your choice) so I do't need to use a guest room. I've never managed to meet any of the rich and famous out there though. Of course I'm more interested in meeting computer science people anyway. :-)
ReplyDeleteI support this as long as you guys invite your students for part of the summer. Did Anupam and Ryan put this in their essays as well?
ReplyDeleteyou do realize you'll have to bone up on hampton's etiquette; "guest(s)" and "guest(s) of guest" policies (especially since there are three of you and the chosen house has seven bedrooms), when you can run someone over with your car (driver hair color, make of car, etc. etc.), appropriate happy faces one makes when being charged $50 for a "crab"cake...these sorts of things are taken very seriously in the hamptons, one wrong move and you'll have to throw a LARGE amount of money at the problem / party...do you want to spend half the summer doing cost / benefit analysis???
ReplyDeleteGood to see you willing to make sacrifices for your Department.
ReplyDeleteInstead of putting professors in those houses, I think students would do a much more convincing job of winning the hearts of their neighbors.
ReplyDeleteIts a win-win. Students are happy and so are you! (Aren't you so glad to see these people you mentored be so happy :P)
So you're saying that the operating cost for a single year for the comp sci department at CMU is 17 mill?
ReplyDeleteIt varies, but that's the order of the magnitude.
ReplyDeleteGood idea.
ReplyDeleteThe reason why this must happen is because we must make one of the [15-251] homework questions happen in real life. I am told that you three will be botting as well. Then, the current class would be not have to complete one of the questions on the homework =D
ReplyDeleteOle Jon Swift would be proud.
ReplyDeleteStay on groovin' safari,
Tor