1. Crush them on the first 2 homework assignments -- those who remain will be good students.
2. When you don't know the answer to a question say it's outside the scope of the class.
3. Teaching evaluations are highly correlated with the grade the students think they will get at the time of filling out the surveys. Make your course easy, then crush them on the final (but see #1).
4. Never admit you're wrong. "I have a PhD, trust me."
5. Schedule office hours at 8am.
6. If you can't learn their names, call them all "dude."
7. Never, under any circumstances, disclose the exact grade cutoffs at the end of the semester. Somebody has to get the highest B, and they won't be happy. "You're lucky you got a B, dude."
8. Finish lecture 10 minutes early every time –- they love this (and they'll never know you love it even more).
9. Easiest way to get rid of whiners without yielding: "I'll take that into account when calculating your final grade."
10. Get good teaching assistants.
(Editorial Note: A modified version of this list originally appeared here.)